Changing generations

It was the teenagers who told me that I had crossed over. Not with words. It was the way they looked at me. I still thought of them as younger brothers and sisters, but it was clear that they saw me now as a "them" not an "us". With three children, I was definitely on the side of the parents.

It took me a long time to get used to it. I thought of myself as a young person who had acquired some children, but no. I had been booted up a generational bracket, whether I accepted it or not. My life was full of mini-vans and diapers and parent-teacher meetings.

Now it's happening again. No, I am not announcing the arrival or even the future arrival of any grandchildren. But whether I like it or not, I am slowly being eased up another generational bracket. My nest is empty (although one fledgling is contemplating a return), my hair is grey, my waistline is, um, ample, and I'm handing out unsolicited advice. All the symptoms are there. Actual grandchildren will only be the confirmation.

And really, I'm not sure I'm ready. Life expectancies being what they are nowadays, there are a lot of people up in the fourth generational bracket, which means there are still a lot of people I consider old codgers, even as the generation below me considers me an old codger, and they - though they probably don't quite realize it - are considered kind of old themselves by the generation below. It's positively dizzying.

I think I'll go cry on my mother's shoulder.


Technorati tags: Getting older

Women's rights vs. fathers' rights

John Burgess at Crossroads Arabia recently posted concerning women's medical status in Saudi Arabia. In the case cited, a woman in labour needed a Caesarian, but her husband had signed papers disallowing the procedure, even if it meant death for his child. The Saudi doctor involved managed to persuade the husband to change his mind, but he was shaken. He also came to the conclusion that the ultimate decision in cases like that should be left in the hands of the mother. It's awfully hard to argue with a conclusion like that (although any number of Wahhabis probably would) and I'm certainly not going to be the one to do it.

One of the commenters though brought up an excellent point:

However, in the West, we have many issues to the other extreme. Men are not consulted regarding abortions. Also, many women have given up children for adoption without the man’s knowledge, or consultation. Custody for men was also rarely given, despite circumstances.

Justice is rarely found at extremes and these are the two extremes: when women have no say and when men have no say.

In any properly functioning system, authority and responsibility must go hand in hand. You cannot strip someone of any authority and at the same time impose responsibility on them, or vice versa. If we are going to strip men of any say in what happens to their children, we must also absolve them of all responsibility too.

Not that I would advocate doing so. A balanced approach, that recognizes the rights and responsibilities of all three people involved in the birth of a child, is the ideal. Most couple probably find this balance all on their own - I know that this was the case in our home. But the courts must often make decisions when couples haven't been able to resolve these issues on their own, and the lawmakers in Western countries should be looking for a better balance when it comes to the rights and responsibilities of fathers.

Motherhood and the quest for perfection

The last of my five children is now less than a year from her 18th birthday, the right to vote and official status as an adult. Because of the particular circumstances of our family, it is highly likely that 12 months from now, my husband and I will find ourselves alone under the familial roof. This looming empty nest evokes a number of conflicting emotions for me; regret, nostalgia, relief, and pensiveness.

I always wanted to be the perfect mother. I was wise enough not to expect perfect kids, but not wise enough to refrain from placing the same impossible burden of perfection on myself. If you had asked me, I would have denied doing such a thing, but deep down, that was my goal.

I failed miserably.

This was only to be expected, but I still feel deep regret for the wide chasm between my aspirations and reality.

In our modern anthropocentric world, we feel compelled to take responsibility for everything (or failing that, to divert it to "society" or "government" - but that is a topic for another day) and to think that if we just find the right formula, just the right technique, success is assured. After 25 years of often highly intense parenting, I can assure you that this is pure fantasy.

A formula for perfect parenting does not, CAN not exist. The number of variables is so staggeringly high, there is no way to reduce parenting even to a complex algorithm, let alone a simple formula. Genetics, birth order, individual personalities, the complex and ever-changing web of relationships with parents and siblings, medical conditions, the influence of teachers, friends, relatives and neighbours, financial conditions - the list goes on and on. Any parent with more than one child has observed with some bewilderment how two children in the same family can have two diametrically opposite reactions to an identical situation. And that is only the tiniest tip of a very vast iceberg. Faced with such diversity and complexity, how can we possibly expect our children to perform like vending machines: "Insert coins here, collect product at the bottom."

There is no one size fits all; it just doesn't work that way.

All of my children give me cause for pride: they are all bright, creative, open to others, free of prejudice, disdainful of free rides. It would appear that we have managed to do some things right.

On the other hand, all have given me cause for concern, and sometimes even grief or shame. To what degree have I been a factor in bad choices they've made and bad values they've chosen? Quite honestly, I don't think that's a question I can begin to answer. I wish I could.

Keeping in mind that there are no guarantees of success, because too much of it is out of our hands and too much of it is in our hands, I have learned a thing or two.

Firstly, just about everything is better caught than taught. It's a truism, but no less true for all that. When words and your actions don't line up, the actions will win out pretty well every time.

Kids need to get bored. Entertainment shouldn't be available at all times. If they complain there's nothing to do, offer them housework. They'll quickly find something else to do, developing both their creativity and their autonomy.

Kids need to be treated with respect and consideration. By this I don't mean treating them like mini adults. They don't have the life experience to make informed choices in many cases, which is why they need parents. What I do mean, is treating them the same way you would want to be treated in the same situation. Even when disciplining them, basic courtesy is never out of place.

Anger is highly destructive and the quickest way to lose a child's respect.

Children have free will and intelligences of their own and bear a good part of the responsibility for how they turn out themselves. Parents can be a powerful influence, but they are not the be-all and the end-all.

Technorati tags: Motherhood, Parenting